LIFE & STYLE

Ask C&S: Los Lonely Boy

‘Ask Carl & Silvia’ is The Fourth Crown’s Life & Style Advice column.

Q: Dear Carl and Silvia, While I’ve made some decent friends from my building this past year, I don’t see myself hanging out with them much next fall. How can I make some true, blue, bffs this upcoming semester?

Carl: First and foremost, I’d like to thank you for your honesty! It takes a big man to ask for help like you just did. That being said, let’s get real here for a sec, bruh. It’s gonna take an assload of effort to cs-squarefind a posse of perennial playmates. To get you started, here are three terrific tips:

1. Offer people free booze.

Alc is übs expensive, so to earn the love of your peers simply dole out some complimentary cocktails! Students would much rather spend their money on necessities (e.g., a large dominos pizza after a night of illicit drinking).

This method works best if those who are chugging your chargeless beverages black out. That way, the following morning you can describe to them all of the “marvelous memories” you made together, not to mention the “traumatic childhood secrets” they disclosed so they HAVE to hang out with you now!

And while underage consumption isn’t cool, you know what is? That chilled rum you’re giving those chums. So use this helpful hint, and watch your Four Lokos turn into cuatro crazy new compadres!

 

2. Make small talk.

You Minnesotans love that shit. Doesn’t matter when, where, or what it’s about. While waiting in the caesar salad line on Monday, to the person behind you try saying, “Wow. There sure is weather outside.”

Or on a Sunday night, attempt to engage the individual sitting next to you in the library by tapping on their shoulder and asking, “Do you like music?” To ensure that you are choosing from the highest quality of gusties, use this on the third floor because that’s where the smart people live.

Take a chance with my final and favorite conversation starter by turning to the chap situated near you in chapel and inquiring, “Whaddya think about abortion?” He/She will greatly appreciate you taking an interest in their personal beliefs and wish to continue what will be most likely be a very lively discussion!

Just remember that after using any of these suggestions to stare at the other person’s mouth while they respond in order to know when they are finished speaking. That will make certain they feel comfortable and that they’re ready to partake in more friend-related talking activities.

 

3. Do what I do.

If all else fails, use my personal approach. Whenever I meet a potential pal I tell them that I am interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with him/her. They always reply with, “Um…haha. Actually, I think we should just be friends.”

 

So, there you have it, Los Lonely Boy. Take these three helpful hints to heart and soon everyone will think you’re as cool as a ranch dorito.

Loserwithnofriendssayswhat?

 

Cordially,

Carl

Want more of Carl & Silvia’s stellar counsel?
Uninvolved Underclassman

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Categories: LIFE & STYLE