OFF THE HILL

Governor Dayton Declares Flooded Minnesota Still Better Than Regular Iowa

ST. PAUL- Shortly following the issuance of a state of flood emergency over 35 counties in Minnesota, Governor Mark Dayton held a press conference in which he announced that a flooded Minnesota is still better than a regular Iowa. Governor Dayton also declared the activation of the National Guard to help prevent flood damage, rescue victims, and remind panicked citizens of how superior Minnesota is to her southern neighbor.

This chart, issued by the US Department of Health and Human Services, depicts the amount of suck in red proportional to each state in the Union.

This chart, issued by the US Department of Health and Human Services, depicts in red the amount of suck attributed to each state in the Union.

“Thousands across the state are suffering from widespread flooding and unnavigable roadways. Now is as important of a time as ever to reaffirm the fact that Minnesota is still a way cooler state than Iowa,” remarked the Governor in the statement broadcasted over all state networks. “Even in her soggy, devastated condition, the great state of Minnesota falls far beneath the threshold of suck supported by the citizens, landscapes, and state government of Iowa.”

Though the total count of Minnesota lakes has fallen below the 10,000 mark due to new aquatic connections following the flooding, the Minnesota Department of Natural Resources has affirmed the gubernatorial declaration. A statement from the desk of Minnesota DNR spokeswoman Deborah Swantek explains, “‘The Land of 9,321 Lakes and Some Muddy Highways’ still stands inarguably above ‘The Land of Douchebags and a [expletive] Ton of Corn.’”

Dayton’s sentiment has been echoed even by those closest to the devastation. Former Saint Peter resident Mary Harlack, whose home was swept away into the Minnesota River on Thursday afternoon, told reporters it is “better to be homeless in Minnesota than living in Iowa.”

This photo, taken in downtown St. Peter, MN on Thursday morning, demonstrates the devastated, waterlogged Minnesota which has been universally recognized as still better than regular Iowa.

This photo, taken in downtown St. Peter, MN on Thursday morning, demonstrates the devastated, waterlogged Minnesota which has been universally recognized as still better than regular Iowa.

 

 

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