OFF THE HILL

Obama Coordinates Silent Auction Potluck for Guantanamo Detainees

WASHINGTON—Nearly a month after the return of Sergeant Bowe Bergdahl from the Taliban in exchange for five Guantanamo Bay detainees, President Barack Obama has issued dozens of diplomatic invitations for the First Annual Prisoner Exchange Silent Auction, scheduled to take place next Friday. The Obama Administration released a statement saying, “The successful return of Sergeant Bergdahl was a major accomplishment for all Americans. So we thought to ourselves, ‘How might we bring back any other captive Americans? The Chiefs of Staff all agreed that there is no better way to bargain that a good ol’ fashioned silent auction and potluck.”

The White House has invited delegates from some of the world’s most powerful and feared terrorist organizations as well as totalitarian government officials to the fellowship hall of Our Savior’s Lutheran Church in Washington, DC with the intent to bring all captive Americans home. Like most silent auctions, sheets of paper will surround the the dining room of the banquet. However, instead of bidding on items or services of monetary value, the sheets will have on them individual detainees of the Guantanamo Bay detention center. Terrorists will then offer bids of captive Americans. The highest bid will get to exchange prisoner for prisoner(s).

This image was sent from the President to the heads of several radical terrorist groups  in a Facebook group invite on Friday afternoon.

This image was sent from the President to the heads of several radical terrorist groups in a Facebook group invite on Friday afternoon.

“We are really hopeful that we can not only bring home some Americans, but that we can reach out to some terrorist organizations and despots and ultimately build fun community relationships with them,” said White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest. “And we are confident that all it takes is some good-natured bargaining via a silent auction and a delicious array of foods brought and shared among leaders.”

The invited leaders have had an overwhelmingly positive response to the event. North Korea leader Kim Jong-un responded in the group’s Facebook page that he “cannot wait” and is bringing drinks and cups. Al Qaeda leaders have also expressed their intent to attend. Reports close to the group claim the militant jihadist sect will be bringing pizza burgers.

Some officials and critics have questioned the silent auction, chastising the Obama Administration for inviting leaders of North Korea, Iran, al Qaeda, and various other nations and organizations. Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas) led the backlash, telling reporters, “This is absolutely ludicrous. Why wasn’t I invited? I make great ribs, and everyone on the hill knows I love silent auction potlucks…”

The Obama Administration maintains this strategy is a “win-win.” Press Secretary Earnest stated, “American safety is our biggest priority right now, and that extends to Americans being held against their will across the world. Also, Barack fucking loves casserole. Furthermore, by giving away prisoners from Guantanamo, we can actually close it. One more unkept promise that can be crossed off the list.”

Al Qaeda leader Ayman Al-zawahiri "liked" the POTUS' Facebook event, but has yet to confirm his attendance. Pundits debate whether this is subversive strong-arming, or simply a result of the fact that Al-zawahiri is more of a Myspace guy.

Al Qaeda leader Ayman Al-zawahiri “liked” the POTUS’ Facebook event, but has yet to confirm his attendance. Pundits debate whether this is subversive strong-arming, or simply a result of the fact that Al-zawahiri is more of a Myspace guy.

 

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