OFF THE HILL

Panicked Joe Biden Overheard Asking Parents for $60 Following SCOTUS Ruling

The controversial SCOTUS ruling by a majority of five geriatric males grants corporations the moralistic privilege in dictating the healthcare options of their employees was challenged by Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, whose dissenting opinion asked, “Are you fucking kidding me?”

The controversial SCOTUS ruling by a majority of five male judges which grants corporations the moralistic privilege of dictating the healthcare options of their employees was challenged by Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, whose dissenting opinion asked, “Are you fucking kidding me?”

WASHINGTON, D.C.Following Monday’s Supreme Court ruling in Burwell v. Hobby Lobby, Vice President Joe Biden was overheard by neighbors asking his parents for $60 “just this one time.”  The reports follow the premature departure of VP Biden from a White House press conference detailing the Court’s decision. Biden allegedly appeared visibly distressed after learning Hobby Lobby had won the right to claim religious exemption from providing contraception, both preventive and interventive, to its employees.

Members of the White House Press Corps report hearing Biden mutter “babe, it’s me” before breaking into a light jog away from the nation’s executive residence.

Later that day, Scranton, PA resident Mary Niedermeyer claims to have overheard yelling from the home of VP Biden’s parents. Niedermeyer quoted repeated, ambiguous requests for $60, culminating in the frustrated Biden yelling, “Mom, if you really loved me you wouldn’t be asking all these questions. Don’t take it out of my gas money for this month.” The first-in-line to the Presidency then slammed the door before speeding away in a 1996 Ford Bronco.

At press time, the Vice President had last been seen anxiously looking over his shoulder in the Family Planning aisle of a D.C. area Walgreen’s.

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