WASHINGTON, D.C.– New studies released this week reveal that corporations across the United States have undergone spiritual enlightenment and declared their true allegiance to Christ our Lord. These research findings indicate Christ’s true power as a capitalist and his unwavering ability to dictate corporate proceedings under the umbrella of First Amendment religious freedom. These changes come following the Supreme Court’s decision in Burwell v. Hobby Lobby, with the Court ruling that corporations can claim an exemption due to religious reasons on certain aspects of federal law.
“It’s incredible how short-sighted we were,” said Chick-Fil-A executives after they learned of Hobby Lobby’s victory. “It’s clear that once we accept Jesus Christ as our guiding beacon for how we do business and manage employee benefits, not even the highest court in the country can touch us. Shit we just had it all wrong!”
Christ, previously heralded as “He who rose again” and “the Son of God, our King,” has recently been called “The savior of the corporate machine” by executives across the country. These executives are in awe of His most magnificent ability to convince five conservative male justices how corporate law across the nation is to be followed. Christ has taken center stage in the national controversy regarding religious freedom and health insurance, an area in which he has little previous experience.
Utilizing the slogan “With Christ as my bulwark!” Chick-Fil-A’s corporate board voted unanimously to drop all medical imaging coverage, including X-rays and MRIs, from its insurance. “May the holy presence of our Lord Jesus be the only force that can look inside of us and see us for who we truly are,” said Chick-Fil-A spokesperson Randall Lewis. Lewis was later overheard saying, “Suck on these religious nuts, Obama.”
It has been confirmed that Hobby Lobby’s new insurance plan covers only basic spiritual renewal and up to three treatments involving holy water.
Both Jesus and the Founding Fathers were unavailable for comment.
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