OFF THE HILL

Americans Can Finally Stop Pretending They Care About Soccer

THE UNITED STATES- Following the loss of the United States men’s national team to Belgium in Tuesday’s FIFA match, sports enthusiasts across the country have celebrated the fact that they can finally stop pretending to care about the elaborate ritual of feigned injuries and meaningless clockwork collectively known in the United States as ‘soccer.’

Soccer fans such as these have spent the last few weeks attempting to pass the time with chants and silly outfits, but are now released from this burden following the USMNT's loss to Belgium on Tuesday

Soccer fans such as these have spent the past three weeks attempting to pass the time with chants and silly outfits, but are now released from this burden thanks to the USMNT’s loss to Belgium on Tuesday

Shortly after the most powerful nation in the world was defeated by a country famous for waffle makers and french fries, millions of bored Americans turned off their televisions to forget about the world’s most played and most popular sport for another 1,445 days. According to press correspondents at the tournament, fans of the victorious Belgian team exited the stadium visibly depressed at the prospect of having to feign interest for up to three more weeks.

US sports fans who haven’t yet discovered American football have also celebrated the loss. Shortly following the end of the match, collegiate soccer fan Brandon Dewmore tweeted, “I’d much rather be complaining about how nobody likes soccer here than how everybody likes soccer all of a sudden.”

USMNT players have reported experiencing a tremendous wave of both physical and mental relief. “I understand the way the soccer clock works about as well as I understand the female menstrual cycle,” said US forward Clint Dempsey. “Honestly, when I’m on the pitch I usually just pretend I’m running on hot lava until Coach says I can come have an orange slice.”

 

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