OFF THE HILL

United States Celebrates Staying Out of Iraq For Three Whole Years

WASHINGTON, D.C—Over 200 federal and military officials attended a gala at the Kennedy Center in Washington, D.C. this past weekend to celebrate staying out of Iraq for three whole years. The lengthy military hiatus, described as “a pleasant surprise” by President Barack Obama, was broken four days ago with orders to send 800 troops and military advisers into the nation of Iraq to prevent the advance of the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL).

During his evening address, the President showered praise on the United States for its “remarkable resolve and herculean self-control in avoiding the addition of more troops on the ground in Iraq.” Throughout the gala, numerous governmental officials spoke and expressed their amazement at America’s ability to not be involved in a military conflict in Iraq for a time period roughly equal to three years. Speaker of the House John Boehner remarked that, “Given this country’s historic inability to restrain itself in that area of the Middle East, this extended removal has far exceeded even our own expectations of ourselves.”

While the specifics of American strategy in the developing Iraqi conflict have yet to be defined, experts are confident it will involve a great deal of digging ourselves into deep holes, as seen in this photograph from the previous conflict.

While the specifics of American strategy in the developing Iraqi conflict have yet to be defined, experts are confident it will involve a great deal of digging ourselves into deep holes, as seen in this photograph from the previous conflict.

Vice President Joe Biden projected a philosophical timbre for much of the night, making several comments about the United States’ “natural state” and how it involved being “militarily balls deep” in a nuanced and complicated religiopolitical conflict. “These last three years have been so freakin’ boring,” Biden commented. “It feels so good to be heading home to where we don’t belong. Third time’s a charm!”

Former President George W. Bush, a guest at the D.C. gala, also expressed his satisfaction with the American absence in this particular section of the Middle East, as its duration has shifted his developing legacy as P.O.T.U.S. from “Colossal Fuck-Up” to “Endearingly Terrible.”

At press time, several top United States military officials were pondering whether now is also an appropriate time to re-initiate military action in North Algiers, after almost 200 years of peace following the Algerine War in 1815.

Advertisements

Categories: OFF THE HILL

Tagged as: , , , , ,