LIFE & STYLE

6 Things to Say Instead of “I Spent the Summer Unemployed with my Parents”

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Whether it’s curing cancer with the docs at Mayo Clinic, or working with cognitively challenged children at a lakeside summer camp, the summers of your college years are your time to take on thrilling new challenges to make a difference and develop yourself personally and professionally. Unfortunately, there are only so many White House internships available, and not everyone can spend their summer stalking the elusive Sasquatch across British Columbia. It is likely you spent the bulk of your bummer summer scrolling through Facebook on a broken-down couch getting yelled at by your parents. Thankfully, you aren’t alone in your misfortune. Like the Doritos crumbs on your bare chest, these six tips will teach you how to seamlessly brush off the question,

“So how was your summer?”

1. “Haha, yeah, it was pretty good!”

Making your answer this vague, boring, and short will likely convince your questioner that you are an extremely uninteresting person. Once they come to this conclusion, they will feign a bit of laughter before disengaging conversation, leaving your pride intact. Repeat the same phrase if they press the question, as this will confuse them.

2. “Previously, on LOST

Once you have committed the entirety of J.J. Abrams’ groundbreaking Adventure-Drama, LOST, to memory, proceed to re-enact the entire six season run of the show whenever you are asked this question.  Swept up in the masterful storytelling of showrunners Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof, they will forget any line of questioning they had as they are swept up in the story of the survivors of Oceanic Flight 815.

3. “…”

Say nothing while staring fiercely into their eyes. This display of unblinking conversational dominance shows that such questions are beneath you. Fearful of provoking your formidable wrath, they will likely stop their line of questioning, and either leave or change the topic.

4. “Well this is a story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside down! And I’d like to take a minute, just sit right there. I’ll tell you how I became the Prince of a town called Bel-Air.”

There is not a person, living or dead, that can resist the natural charm of Will Smith, so launching into the opening bars of the theme song to Fresh Prince of Bel Air is sure to immediately diffuse any tensions, and get everyone rapping along. Once all the white people in the room are completely distracted by their attempts at rapping, you’ll be able to make a swift, inconspicuous exit.

5. “I was doing some work with the government. I can’t really say anything more about it.”

This line is a fantastic choice because it is true! The information you put into your Free Application for Student Aid (FAFSA) is personal information. Thus, all the hours spent hunched over your MacBook bouncing between Reddit and fafsa.ed.gov while your mom yells at you for not helping pay for school were “confidential government work!”

6. “Shub’Muyrhuem ur malok entem’ar shuk’gwyr! Shub’Muyrhuem ur malok entem’ar GYARAT’HA!”

Reciting this ancient incantation will summon Gyarat’ha, the Profane King of Locusts. He and his dark servants will rise from the forgotten city of Muyrhuem deep beneath the Earth and harvest the lives of all who live above. As your peers will spend the rest of their short lives fending off the Locust Hordes, you will very likely never be asked that question again.

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