CAMPUS NEWS

Dorm Beds Made for First, Last Time

BREAKING—New research findings released today confirm that dorm room beds in Norelius, Sohre, and Pittman halls were all made for the first and last time this afternoon. The definitive report states with a high level of confidence that these beds will never again return to their original well-kept state.

“It has been shown conclusively that the state of these sheets, blankets, and tastefully chosen duvets will never be considered by students again,” said Senior Data Analyst Renee Brown. Brown also states that the bed lofts rented by many students “pretty much defeat any remaining hope that the tangled mass of bedding will ever be given a second thought.”

The report adds that the concerned mothers who made several of these beds continue to delude themselves that the beds will remain in their immaculate shape throughout the 2014-15 school year. Brown reports that several mothers put significant effort into “coordinating towels, sheets, and blankets” and that many hearts were “warmed by how neat and tidy the room was.” At press time, many mothers were clinging to this and any other semblance of order as they prepared to leave campus, and their children, behind for nine months.

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Categories: CAMPUS NEWS