Opening your campus post office compartment  can be a real headache, so we have prepared this list of methods to help you get your box unlocked, popped, and ready to rock.

-Begin by turning the knob to the left, then to the right, then by striking it repeatedly with a small hammer.

-Send yourself bulky envelopes and request more promotional coupons from the Bookmark until your P.O. bursts open from the pressure of the accumulated mail.

-Clap your hands until a Greeter appears.

-Purchase a janitor’s uniform, fake moustache and cleaning supplies. Proceed to mop your way into the mailroom.

-Dress up nice, put on a nametag, and go to a fancy restaurant. Walk from table to table asking guests, “how is everything tasting this evening?” This won’t help with the P.O. thing, but I’ve always wanted to try it.

-Act out the plot of Flat Stanley.

-Many students forget the importance of building a healthy rapport with their P.O.s. Prevent this by spontaneously dropping by with drinks from the Courtyard Café and asking your P.O. about her day.

-Fake your own death, re-enroll as a first-year student the following year, and take diligent notes on the instructions you receive.

-Send the mailroom staff a cake with a file baked into it.

-Share your Svedka, compliment her jean shorts, and tell her you play hockey. That’s how I… never mind.