OFF THE HILL

STUDY: 42% of iPhones Own a College Student

SAINT PETER, MN—A study conducted by the Gustavus Adolphus College Department of Mathematics & Computer Science has revealed that 42% of iPhones now own an undergraduate student. The study demonstrates that the competition for ownership of college students primarily fought between Apple (AAPL) and Samsung (SSNLF) has swung largely in the Cupertino-based tech giant’s favor.

The success of the iPhone 5, shown here, has been lauded as a major step towards complete ownership of the American populace. This model controls the sleep schedule, information delivery, digital security, and interpersonal communication of the user.

In a video address sent to shareholders Thursday morning, Apple CEO Tim Cook praised the study’s results, claiming “these findings illuminate that our mission to get a millennial in the hands of every iPhone is nearing completion. With the introduction of the lower-cost iPhone 5c, as well as the customizability of memory options, we have made tremendous progress in ensuring that everybody can one day be owned by our fleet of products.”

The rise of voluntary submission to iPhone ownership has been attributed to the phone’s intuitive interface, broad selection of applications, and the digital recording of Steve Jobs whispering “join us” on loop that plays each night after you fall asleep.

University of Wisconsin-Madison Junior Lauren Kordyta claims the main reason she relinquished her own spiritual autonomy to her iPhone 5 was the phone’s ability to download music from her iTunes library directly from the Cloud. “While waking up to a gloved hand gripping my throat and a gravely voice demanding I purchase the 5 was a big draw to Team iPhone, I think it was iTunes Match and the elegant design of the phone that really sealed the deal.”

Commenting on the monetization of downloads from the App Store, Cook expressed his excitement that “with the expansion of in-app micropurchases, it’s possible for the customer to be owned not just by the iPhone, but by Candy Crush, Angry Birds, Farmville, and many, many more. The experience of submitting has never been more intuitive and more accessible.”

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