OFF THE HILL

Midterm Polling Shows Tea Party Candidates Sweeping 4-Year-Old Girl Demographic

WASHINGTON, DC—A Gallup Poll released Saturday afternoon has found that support for Tea Party midterm candidates is almost entirely dominated by the “4-year-old girl” demographic.The Tea Party’s firm hold of this swing group has been largely attributed to the movement’s calls for lowering of the national debt, repeal of nationalized medicine, new stuffed animals, and more tea for Mr. Snugglesworth.Screen Shot 2014-09-06 at 7.03.32 PM

The office of Dr. Ron Paul, who has been described by some as the founder of the Tea Party movement, has experienced a huge wave of support from a demographic group widely known to be religious, socially conservative, and about ready to start preschool. Deanne Wicker, a spokesperson for Paul, commented that “Former Representative Paul is unable to respond to every invitation he receives. He cannot accommodate all Tea Party requests, so until further notice, Mr. Paul will only be responding to invitations not written in crayon and glitter glue.”

The data from Gallup indicates that 4-year-old girls have no interest in economic regulation by the federal government, owing mainly to the fact that they are completely unaware of what those words mean. Gallup researcher Doug Rampert reports, “These Tea Party supporters have outgrown diapers and moved straight into laissez-faire economics.” Rampert also concludes that CEO’s and board members of this crucial demographic have pioneered thousands of $0.25 lemonade stands, and have a reputation for sparking last-minute purchase of M&Ms in grocery store checkouts. “Findings indicate this group’s initiative, corporate innovation, and ability to throw horribly embarrassing tantrums in the grocery aisles.”

The cultural aspects of the Tea Party movement has also been identified as a major impetus for four-year-old female support, as crudely painted signs and yelling for no apparent reason are among this age bracket’s fondest pastimes.

Residents of St. Peter Ward II Precinct I (including the campus of Gustavus Adolphus College) may vote by entering Door A at the St. Peter Community Center, 600 South Fifth Street. Shuttles will be leaving from Three Flags Plaza throughout the day. Polls close at 8:00 PM.

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