New iPhone 6 Features

Apple, Inc. (AAPL) announced its new lineup of iPhones on Tuesday to a sold-out crowd in Cupertino, California. The Fourth Crown has everything you need to know about the new devices.

  • In addition to the 4.7” iPhone 6 and 5.5” iPhone 6 Plus, Apple is offering the new iPhone Holy Shit Deluxe, with a 54” screen and enough storage space for all of your regrets.
  • New camera system that uses smart sensors to detect when you put your phone away and automatically takes pictures of the inside of your pocket.
  • Over 40 new photo filters, including “Spray Tan,” “Disillusionment,” “Pale Northern European,” and “The Void.”
  • Get up to the second health information readouts thanks to the new biometrics features. Can also interact with and receive data from the new iCatheter.
  • Not able to run any app besides “Countdown to iPhone 7.”
  • Use the iFashion app and front-facing camera to snap a picture of your outfit and have Alejandro the fabulous digital fashion assistant criticize your sense of style.
  • Apple Pay allows you to broadcast your personal payment information wirelessly in a way that we’re pretty sure is secure and protected.
  • Updated Maps database helps you find the microbrewery that also sells Penny Boards which is closest to your hipster ass.
  • Avoid the hassle of driving down to the station to get fingerprinted! The new Touch ID reader and iBookMe app allows you to upload a copy of your prints directly to your local law enforcement from the comfort of your own home.
  • Lost all the visitation rights to see the kids? The updated HD display, camera, and improved graphics processor all make it seem like Anna and Billy are in your arms again.

    Not Pictured: 54″ iPhone 6 Holy Shit Deluxe