CAMPUS NEWS

Refugee Camp for Sexiled Roommates Established in Lobby of Norelius Hall

Norelius Hall, pictured here, has been described by the United Nations as “one of the most rapidly disintegrating regions in the world.”

SAINT PETER— The International Committee of the Red Cross has opened a refugee camp on the first floor of Norelius Hall to house roommates displaced by intercourse. The camp quickly filled to well over capacity, creating an international drive to provide the refugees with pillows, iPhone chargers, and ibuprofen.

Refugee first-year Mark Johnson shared his story with Fourth Crown reporters from inside the camp. Johnson’s journey into exile began Friday night, when his roommate, Sam Meijer, asked fellow first-year Rachel Swenson if she wanted to “watch a movie or something.” Meijer and Johnson had previously been imbibing together in a group which included Miss Swenson, who has been identified by several watchdog groups as a top producer of Norelius Hall refugees.

Johnson’s accounts of his life in the camp, described as “harrowing and haunting” in an official release from the U.S. State Department, focus primarily around the inaccessibility of his Xbox 360. The core rights outlined by the Red Cross in their International Humanitarian Necessity list include access to clean drinking water, communication with relatives and loved ones, and Grand Theft Auto V.

While the American Red Cross has yet to comment on how they plan to address moving the refugees back to their original habitats, the United Nations (UN) has pledged to have 1,200 American, German, and English troops deployed within 24 hours to begin the daunting process of removing dozens of socks from door knobs throughout the embattled first-year residential hall.

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Categories: CAMPUS NEWS