BREAKING— Following what sources are calling “an absolutely crazy Friday bender,” First-Year Drake Robertson reported that he is a confirmed carrier of Yik Yak. The news comes after Robertson admitted to going out on Friday night and neglecting to use protection against the aggressively contagious and vile mobile application that allows users to anonymously post to a group page based on their location.
“I just wasn’t thinking,” Robertson commented. “I had no intention of going all the way last night. I figured I would post a couple of shitty, blurry images to my Instagram, maybe Snapchat a couple buddies a pic of me with my bottle of Svedka. Next thing I know a girl is going through my App Store, and that was the end of it. I was infected with Yik Yak.”
“This is the most disgusting disease I think I have ever seen,” said Health Service representative Cathy Walcott. “Just because you don’t see any rash flare ups doesn’t mean it’s safe to approach this app. You can get Yik Yak by touching your phones just once.” Walcott insists that appropriate protection should be used at all times when the virulent application might be present. There are several options, but Health Services is urging students to sheath themselves in some basic human decency and self-respect, which should prevent the majority of infections. Walcott promises that there is protection available for everyone, “No matter how big your phone is.” Other experts are insisting that abstinence is the only way to truly contain this embarrassing disease.
Walcott is confident that a more permanent cure to Yik Yak is on the way. “Medical advances have shown great promise in ways of stopping the disease. By mid-November, we are sure that Yik Yak will have gone the way of polio: a mere memory that sits, completely forgotten, in the deepest bowels of our collective consciousness.”
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