OFF THE HILL

Mr. Clean Comes out of the Closet

SAINT PETER— Reports have confirmed that renowned cleaning product icon Mr. Clean came out of the closet on Thursday of last week. The clean-shaven, muscular brand figurehead, known for sporting one pierced ear and a tight-fitting t-shirt, was taken out of the closet by local stay-at-home husband Mark Emerson, who laid his hands on Mr. Clean for the first time while his wife was at work.

“When Angela left for work, I came downstairs to do some cleaning before heading to the gym,” said Emerson, who claimed there had been a spot on the countertop for a few weeks “that I was dying to get off.”

Emerson continued, describing how “I threw Mr. Clean down and really just started working it.” Emerson claimed that, within moments, “I was out of breath, but I hadn’t been satisfied with a performance like that since the first time I slid into my Toms back in college.”

“Squeezing Mr. Clean on the counter was such a rush, I needed to give it a go elsewhere around the house. Strangely enough, the more I Cleaned, the dirtier everything seemed to become.”

“After finishing on the counter, I went into the bedroom, and rubbed Mr. Clean into some old makeup stains on Angela’s boudoir. It was pretty energizing to work Mr. Clean into my wife’s lipstick.”

At press time, it was unclear if Mr. Clean had indeed returned to the closet, or was still waiting in the bedroom while Emerson smoked a cigarette and got dressed for the gym.

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