SAINT PETER— Saying that she is excited for the upcoming Inauguration festivities, President Rebecca Bergman confirmed today that she will be the featured keytar soloist at the Thursday Inaugural Concert. Bergman, set to be inaugurated this Friday, has reportedly been practicing non-stop in order to “really rip a sick-ass solo that those kiddies will never forget.”
Music Department Chair Steven Schless, who has been in charge of coordinating the event, told reporters that he is very excited for the concert, which will feature alumni, faculty, current students, and President Bergman’s virtuosic keytar playing.
“This is going to be a phenomenal event,” said Schless, who will be playing in the concert. ”We have a variety of music, a huge amount of Gustavus talent, and a truly obscene number of Marshall stacks to pump out Becky’s killer solos.”
Music students have overheard the College’s first female president practicing in the music building 24/7. “When I walked down the hallway past Bjorling to get some late-night practice done, I heard the wailing echoes of what could only be described as some of the most insane shredding I’d ever heard,” said Junior Music Major Hailey Joneswick. Joneswick confirmed that “it was like some ridiculous Twisted Sister shit up in that” and also equated Bergman’s performance to “Eddie Van Halen and Jimmy Page making smooth sonic love to my ears.”
The Inaugural Concert is expected to attract a huge number of attendees, including the Board of Trustees, who are very excited to hear Bergman’s debut performance on the guitar-shaped keyboard instrument.
“It’s gonna be batshit insane,” said Board of Trustee member Joan Fullswell. “Axe Woman Bergman is gonna absolutely wail on that keytar. I cannot wait.”
The Inaugural Concert will take place at 7pm on Thursday night, in Bjorling Recital Hall. Schless commented on the legacy of the performance space, saying that no other venue could accommodate such a historic concert.
“It is a place full of tradition and has a history ingrained in musical greatness. I know that, once the audience is seated, the lights go down, and the sound of Becky’s keytar echoes out across the hall, shaking the rafters of the room and the souls of every listener, there will be no better moment in its history,” said a misty-eyed Schless. “It will be what Jussi would have wanted.”
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