CAMPUS NEWS

“Presidential Inauguration: Celebrate Communism!” a Rousing Success

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SAINT PETERSBURG, MN— After three days celebrating the ascension of Gustavus Adolphus College Premier Rebecca M. Bergman following her unanimous election by the Supreme Soviet of Gustavus Adolphus College (formerly the Board of Trustees), commune members are looking back on the events with widespread, forced appreciation. The inauguration series, officially titled “Celebrate Communism and the Inauguration of Premier Rebecca M. Bergman,” has been declared the most glorious event to come to October since the Bolsheviks came to power in 1917.

This photo was posted by the official Gustavus Adolphus College Twitter account shortly following the

The Investiture Military Parade (photo courtesy of the Gustavus Adolphus College Ministry of Propaganda)

Chief Minister of Propaganda Timur Konodiv spoke glowingly about the inauguration festivities. “No propaganda needed for Premier Bergman. Glorious Leader make Glorious Hashtag. Make Revolution, Make Life Count.”

Among Premier Bergman’s most applauded decisions are her declaration that the college’s colors are now Revolutionary Red and Proletariat Gold; her dissolution of the Faculty Politburo; and her collectivization of the college’s agricultural resources for more equitable distribution. While several of Bergman’s decisions have garnered some criticism, particularly her declaration of war on all twelve members of the Minnesota Intercollegiate Athletic Conference (MIAC), the highly secretive Gustie Greeter Bureau (GGB) has kept dissent to a minimum.

INAUGURATION EVENTS
Wednesday: A Symposium on the Lack of Any Future for Liberal Democracy
A panel of distinguished members of the college community came together in Comrade Hall to discuss how Liberal Democracy is soon to fall at the hands of Great Leader Rebecca Bergman.
Thursday: Inaugural Concert
A sampling of the greatest composers of all time, including Tchaikovsky, Rachmaninoff, Stravinsky, Borodin, and Rimsky-Korsakov.
Friday: Investiture Military Parade
A commune-wide showcase of the nuclear and military power of Gustavus Adolphus College. Long Live the Revolution! Long Live our Glorious Leader!

In her comments during the investiture parade held on Friday afternoon, Premier Bergman commented on the enduring value of the education offered by small, private colleges, claiming, “The boots of our well-rounded education will grind the skulls of the state school into the dust. Gustavus, rise! War is peace! Freedom is slavery! Ignorance is strength!  Gusties will shine tonight, and always, with the enduring light of the Glorious Revolution!”

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