CAMPUS NEWS

Nobel Conference 50 to Celebrate Legacy of 50 Cent

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SAINT PETER— The college community is preparing to welcome Nobel Laureate Curtis James Jackson III (50 Cent) to campus to present “Nobel Conference 50: Where Does 50 Cent Go From Here?” The conference is expected to draw over four thousand 50 Cent  enthusiasts to campus.

College Chaplain Siri Erickson expressed her excitement for the conference in an interview with The Fourth Crown, stating, “The cultural and scientific legacy of 50 Cent’s discography fits perfectly with this college’s Swedish Lutheran heritage and its core values of Excellence, Service, Faith, Justice, and G-Unit.”

Erickson went on to describe the parallels between college founder Eric Norelius (1833-1916) and Curtis James Jackson III. “Both were true renaissance men who recognized the power of music to bring together their communities and to assert a theological and political philosophy, though 50 employs narcotic-influenced hip hop where Norelius employed the Swedish Lutheran folk hymn tradition. I must confess that in my studies of these two remarkable leaders, I often envision 50 Cent in 1860s Lutheran clerical vestments or a shirtless Eric Norelius rapping into a microphone while brandishing his nine gunshot wounds.”

The loose structure of the conference is meant to mirror the street-influenced looseness of the beats of 50 Cent’s discography. Each lecture is named after one of 50’s albums, with the exception of the lecture on mythic douchebag Kanye West, and will feature 50 discussing his impact on one specific component of scientific progress.

NOBEL 50: WHERE DOES 50 CENT GO FROM HERE?
GET RICH OR DIE TRYING: Obtaining Government Funding in the 21st Century
BEFORE I SELF DESTRUCT: Modeling the Progress of Climate Change
BULLETPROOF: A Critique of the Development of the American Military-Industrial Complex
FUCK YOU, KANYE WEST: A Dissertation on the Douchebaggery of Kanye West
ANIMAL AMBITION: The Development of the Field of Animal Psychology
GUESS WHO’S BACK?: The Unexpected Resurgence of Monist Philosophy
IN DA CLUB: CERN’s Quest to Perfect the Turkey Club Sandwich

College administration officials are very excited to be celebrating this landmark conference, which has been dedicated to bringing the very best scientific minds, thought-provoking lectures, and straight-thuggin’ hip-hop talent to Gustavus for years. “This will be a truly historic conference,” said Nobel Conference Director Frederick Brownstead. “While most of our speakers usually have around eight or nine degrees, Fiddy has nine gunshot wounds and a prolific Twitter page. His raw knowledge of the sciences and the streets will be a huge centerpoint to the entire conference.” Brownstead added, “While previous Nobel speakers packed a lot of content into their 45-minute lecture, we are certain that this year, Fiddy will just be packing.”

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