CAMPUS NEWS

Student Body Unsure if Headache Due to Vast New Nobel Knowledge or Hangover

BREAKING— Following the first day of Nobel Conference sessions, Gustavus students are arising with splitting headaches caused either by a wealth of new information or a crippling hangover. The dual punishments of scientific knowledge and cheap alcohol self-inflicted by the student body yesterday evening have left many confused as to the source of their headaches.

“What a wild first day of the conference,” said Senior Kyle Johansen. “Nothing follows some of the best scientific minds like a few shots of Captain. Go academia!” Johansen spoke to reporters late Tuesday afternoon, stating, “Not sure if I’m tipsy from Ernst’s ridiculous geological discoveries or the forty I polished off about 10 minutes ago. Better do a little scientific research of my own and start working on another one!!!”

Students across campus tuned into the live webcast of the Conference, which features numerous renowned scientific minds. Joel “YaBoi” Hauer reportedly “checked out that Nobel shit on my computer for about 30 seconds, but I just wasn’t jiving with it.” Sources close to Hauer did confirm that he was apparently feeling up to eleven cans of Natty Ice.

The conference continues today, but many students are not feeling up to attending the day’s events, either due to the fact that their brains are not able to absorb any more scientific information or because they were completely piss drunk on Tuesday.

 

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