This academic year has featured dramatic changes to the Campus Activities policy for the popular Friday night campus dances held at “The Dive.” The new policy sprung from a long history of the sorts of inappropriate conduct commonly associated with college students, a demographic now held to be undesirable on college campuses. The changes have proven remarkably successful in driving dance attendance downwards. The logic goes that if inebriated students are not attending the Dive, then surely, they must have ceased to exist in both space and time until mysteriously reappearing for classes on Monday morning. The new rules are listed below for your convenience.

MAX CAPACITY: 100 students per year
GROUNDS FOR REMOVAL: arrival
DRESS CODE: pre-industrial chastity
START TIME: 10:00 PM
END TIME: see “start time”
LIGHTING: overhead LEDs, five searchlights, the fiery eyes of God
MUSIC: that song the string quartet plays at the end of James Cameron’s Titanic
DJ: old EWTN video of Mother Theresa reciting the Rosary
PERMITTED DANCING: somber, meditative prayer; the soldier boy