With campus in the midst of several stunning weeks of crisp Fall weather, The Fourth Crown has assembled a list of our favorite seasonal activities.

• Feeling groggy on a crisp fall morning? Perk up by grinding a few teaspoons of nutmeg directly into your eyes.
• Cranberries finally coming back into season? Stick a pound of those tart jewels on the stove with two cups of simple syrup. While that is simmering, strip down to your most primal layers, smear the berry reduction over your nude chest and thighs and run through the aisles of your local Wal-Mart shouting your favorite quotes from Mel Gibson’s Passion of the Christ.
• Relishing in the joys of the pumpkin spice latte season? Patients in the diabetic crisis center at Abott Northwestern sure wish they could be as well. Why don’t you help spread your love of Fall by stopping at the ‘Bucks, grabbing a few venti fall treats, and pouring them into the IV bags of a few comatose patients?
• Can’t get enough of the Thanksgiving Story? Spend a few days getting to know the Native Americans in your community. Learn a useful skill from them, then invite them to a meal as an expression of gratitude. Next, Spend several centuries systematically forcing them away from their ancestral homeland through both legislative and violent action while continually elevating the fictitiously pristine image of your brief flash of fellowship. Don’t forget to relegate the richness of their ancient culture to a few bloodthirsty mascots for sporting teams. What good Fall fun!
• Feeling lonely? A rotting pumpkin will satisfy you in ways that Steph never could. Classic Fall!
• Loving the snuggly embrace of that wool sweater? No cable-knitting is resilient enough to block out the frigidity of your mother’s disapproval. A Philosophy Major? What would your grandfather would say if he could see you now. You were so smart as a young boy. What happened? You could’ve been a doctor. Oh, but your father and I do still love you. You just could be doing so much more with yourself.