LIFE & STYLE

10 Things More Threatening to Minnesotans Than Ebola

1. THE MINNESOTA VIKINGS
The Vikings have a rich history of repeatedly shooting themselves in the foot. Many analysts have observed that the franchise has become so adept at undermining their efforts, through players’ idiotic personal decisions, blunderous offseason maneuvers, and incomprehensible play calling, that the Vikings could potentially discover a way to undermine their state, region, or nation. As long as the Minnesota Vikings continue to exist, the Ebola crisis should be of secondary concern to the people of this state.

vikings

2. CLIMATE CHANGE
We would include an earnest description of the dangers of climate change, but nobody reads anything about the environment anyways.

climate change

3. EBOWLA
The past few weeks have seen the emergence of a variety of terrifying new viruses, including Eboli, E. Bola, and most notoriously, Ebowla. This disease appears to have the same symptoms of Ebola, but with a greatly increased risk of ignorance.

4. Y2K PROBLEM
Many skeptics fear what will happen to our increasingly digitally dependent society at the beginning of the new Millennium. The Internet in fact does more than allowing us to hang with friends in online chat rooms, or look at silly digital animations of dancing babies. What will happen when the clock turns from 1999 to 2000?

5. YOURSELF
With lifestyle-related issues causing a broad share of Minnesota deaths, it is clear that you are the biggest threat to your own survival. This brings some truth to the uplifting phrase you are “the master of [your] own fate,” as long as that fate refers primarily to the way in which you die.

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6. THE STATE OF IOWA
Too much time around corn makes a person act funny, yet Governor Mark Dayton still refuses to erect any barriers between Minnesota and her suspicious neighbor to the south. Will the inevitable Iowa-Minnesota conflict come in the form of aerial attack? Ground invasion? A propagandist television commercial urging the viewer to visit Dubuque? All of these, surely, pose a threat to Minnesota far more pressing than the risk of the Ebola Virus traveling northwards.

Dubuque

7. TSUNAMIS
Tsunamis are large waves formed by major underwater disturbances, typically earthquakes. These waves differ from normal tidal activity in that the force of the wave originates from the ocean floor, rather than lunar influences nearer its surface. Minnesota’s distance from both the ocean and unquarantined Ebola patients is comparably vast, but it is more fun to imagine a wave sweeping across the Great Plains region to knock out Minneapolis than to picture a fevered healthcare worker boarding a flight to St. Paul.

8. SWALLOWING A WATERMELON SEED
The scientific community is still debating whether swallowing a watermelon seed will indeed grow a watermelon in the consumer’s stomach. It remains clear, however, that this scenario is as threatening to Minnesotans as contracting the Ebola virus.

9. REGIS PHILBIN
Never had a good feeling about that guy.

regis

10. THE RAPTURE
Forget about the wave of sickness sweeping the globe! You need to brace yourself for the impending storm as Christ returns to Earth and God brings judgement down upon the sinners. You naïve Minnesotan Lutherans better understand that the vindictive wrath of God will descend upon you on the seventieth week of David. Bow down to your God, heathens.

judgment day

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Categories: LIFE & STYLE, OFF THE HILL