CAMPUS NEWS

Student Severs All Social Ties with Netflix’s Announced Addition of ‘Friends’

SAINT PETER—After last week’s announcement that the popular streaming service Netflix would carry all ten seasons of the popular sitcom Friends, sophomore Kendra Gilbert has cut all ties with those whom she has ever had social contact, including close friends and relatives, citing the “utter triviality of personal relationships as long as Ross, Rachel, Monica, Chandler, Joey and Phoebe are around.”

Gilbert, a former highly involved student leader on campus, was a Gustie Greeter, Student Senate representative, and co-president of Nu Beta Upsilon sorority, but stepped down from all positions once the announcement was made official. Roommate Rachel Van Buren said, “She basically vanished since the announcement. She’s all but moved out of our room, except for when she needs to charge her computer. And when that happens, she doesn’t really even say anything—she just grunts and hisses. Although, I might have heard her mumble that we were on a break or something, but I don’t know.”

In a dense fifty-five page manifesto entitled “All the Friends We Need,” Gilbert bitterly rejects social structure altogether: “In much the same way that Karl Marx presented a ‘perfect’ yet unattainable economic system, David Crane and Marta Kauffman have presented the perfect, impossible friendship. So I urge you all…to break free from the fraudulent machine of social activity that binds us all, and revel only in the perfection of Friends, a utopia of social interaction that we will never find.”

Gilbert has yet to comment on the other big streaming news of the week—HBO’s announcement to make their streaming service, HBO GO, available via stand-alone subscription—despite her status as an avid fan of Game of Thrones, stand-up comedy, and boxing.

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