OFF THE HILL

HBO Introduces New ‘Pay-Per-Nipple’ Plan

NEW YORK CITY— Following its announcement of a stand-alone online subscription, premium cable channel HBO announced Tuesday its plan to release a new payment option that charges viewers solely for the number of nipples viewed. The new system unshackles many HBO diehards from their expensive cable plans and instead allows them to pay for their TV completely based on the number of times a nipple appears on screen.

At a media event Tuesday, HBO spokesperson Jean McGrovel said that the new plan was an overwhelming success in focus groups, gaining near-unanimous support. “We found the old way in which people were getting their television was burdensome, wasteful, and unpopular. The answer to all of these problems was right in front of our faces: charge the customers based solely on what they want to see. And what they want to see are nipples.”

This new plan has already been hailed by many as a remarkable business success that pushes the envelope of product marketing. “It has been an absolute breakthrough,” said marketing consultant John Wrangler. “HBO has gone into uncharted waters by distilling the very essence of their product into a tangible, marketable commodity. HBO customers have an insatiable desire for nipples and nipples they will get.”

The new subscription plan has already attracted a huge list of prospective customers, who are eagerly awaiting the new payment system structured around a viewer’s nipple consumption. “It’s about damn time,” said HBO subscriber Zander Michaels, who has been eager to switch from his premium cable subscription to a more streamlined, nipple-based plan. “Talk about a smart business move. Me want nipples.”

HBO says their new plan will start at $0.50 per nipple, with a discount given when numerous nipples appear on screen at once. Michaels commented, “Sure it may sound like a lot, but I figure it will all average out. Sometimes I’ll see more nipples, other times less nipples.” Mere moments later, Michaels retracted his statement, saying that it was far more likely that he would be paying for “lots and lot of nipples.”

HBO later revealed future payment options that would offer male viewers the opportunity to pay for their subscription with their final scrap of understanding as to what healthy sexual relationships look like.

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