CAMPUS NEWS

BREAKING: Student Comes Out as Republican

SAINT PETER— With the midterm elections underway, senior student Allie Marnick has reluctantly revealed to close friends and family that she is a Republican. Marnick’s admission came after repeatedly being asked if and how she plans to vote in today’s vital midterm election. Marnick’s radical allegiance has been hesitantly embraced by those closest to her, though she is beginning to feel a sharp stigma from the larger student body, whose political views primarily align with the ideals of the Democratic Party (7%) or uninformed apathy (92.8%).

According to sources close to Marnick, she has chosen to embrace her publically conservative identity, even joining an openly conservative support group on campus (The College Republicans). Marnick’s membership in this organization effectively doubled its size.

Marnick claims she has also found comfort in several non-college affiliated conservative outreach organizations, particularly the viral You’ll Get Richer Project, which features testimonies from older conservatives discussing how young Republicans can look forward to bright, solvent futures.

The college community’s newly-outed Republican was quick to express how she still feels connected to her Democratic peers, in that their views are also simple regurgitations of whatever their parents believe.

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