BREAKING— In the wake of a frigid spike of January weather, a new report released late on Tuesday revealed that students have become more truant and less likely to do anything productive with their time. The study, which found that the arctic temperatures have shifted the entire student body to a J-Term schedule so that they instinctively attend only one class per day, also reports that general dicking around is on the rise.
“It’s like somebody flipped a switch,” said researcher Jane Groffwell. “Our statistical models indicate that the cold weather has caused a drastic, completely unconscious shift in student behavior.” Findings show that student attendance in every class not in the 10:30am-12:30pm window has plummeted. The spikes in truancy have been accompanied by what Groffwell calls a “rise in students laying around on their futons like lazy piles of shit.”
The research also found strong correlations between students skipping their regularly scheduled Introduction to Biology lab and increased Netflix streaming of New Girl. “The linear relationship is almost perfect,” commented Groffwell. “The below-zero wind chills have also led to corresponding increases in day drinking and huddling in your room all day like a hermit.”
Joel “YaBoi” Hauer expressed confusion on Monday morning when he showed up at the assigned room for the “Sports Geography” J-Term, only to find out that he was nearly seven weeks early for the class. “HoLy Shitt LOL,” wrote YaBoi on Twitter. “This is wut happns when I try to go to class haaha.” Subsequent tweets inquired as to whether he would need to attend any of the other classes for the month-long seminar, or if “2day covered the atendence requirement ha.”
In addition to being outrageously unproductive, it has been confirmed that students across campus are completely disregarding all social commitments and instead are just laying in bed playing COD or eating an entire tub of cookie dough. “Yeah I told my friends I would go to the Coffeehouse event, but I’ve kind of changed my mind. I’ve got coffee here,” said Sophomore Jake McCullen. New data suggests that McCullen went all day Monday without putting on pants.
When asked if he attended his 1:30pm Physical Chemistry lecture, McCullen joked, “Ha! What is this, first semester? Good one! Nah, me and a few guys were getting together a volleyball team. We’re gonna dominate this J-Term as long as we don’t get too tipsy!” It was later confirmed that the team will be naming themselves “Freezin’ Our Balls Off.”
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS