CAMPUS NEWS

Naked Statue Blames Cold Weather

SAINT PETER—After weeks of enduring the laughter and embarrassment of the masses, the nude man throwing an infant of the Granlund sculpture near the Edgar M. Carlson Administration Building has finally spoken out, blaming the “cold weather for…well, you know.”

“You try standing out here twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. There’s going to be some shrinkage, okay?” said the man committing filicide in the middle of campus. The man has called the winter months the darkest times in his life, but it is unclear if this is because the ridicule from the student body or because of the winter solstice.

The man’s misfortune has been the butt of many jokes. Freshman Connor Anderson has stated that he points out the statue as often as possible. “I always joke about that when I am with people. I see that thing at least two or three times a day, it kind of bothers me. I actually think about it a lot during my classes. Why is it so small? Does it mean something?” said Anderson.

The sculpture remains adamant that the weather is the only factor, despite the publics best guesses. “Look, guys, it really is just the weather, I’m not joking,” it said. “I don’t know what else I can say. I would just appreciate it if art classes stopped coming out to study me, trying to figure out if my “size” means anything about the male condition.”

“What could the artist have been saying with the sculpture’s endowment?” asked art professor Joyce Russell. “I have had a few classes examine the piece closely, and all it has brought to us is frustration. How could the artist not have used his tool more effectively, in order to make the sculpture’s tool a more comfortable size? It is really quite a shame.”

The statue has tried to keep his pride in these trying times. “It’s not easy being me, people. I constantly have to be stuck in this moment where I am killing my own child. How do you think I feel about that? The answer is ‘shitty’. I feel shitty. But, you know what? I at least can take comfort in my rock hard body. So what if one part of me is a little small because of the cold? I still am proud of how I am put together…There is nothing wrong with me, right?” he said.

The administration has been unable to guess as to what is causing the statue’s issue. “Maybe it actually is weather related,” said Vice President of Financial Affairs Brenda Coynes. “Or maybe it is the artist’s commentary on the shrinking importance of masculinity in today’s changing socio economic landscape. Or, perhaps, it could just be a comment about the school’s relatively small endowment. Maybe the statue’s endowment is reflective of the school’s,” said Coynes.

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