CAMPUS NEWS

First Year-Junior Friendship Blossoming Into Alcohol-Buying Relationship

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The following text conversation has left fans of the potential match on pins and needles awaiting Harmen’s response.

SAINT PETER—A blossoming relationship between first-year Mike Horowitz and junior John Harmen has generated many predictions that the two will soon pursue an arrangement in which 21-year-old Harmen purchases alcohol for 19-year-old Horowitz. Horowitz is approaching this “next step” with a degree of anxious excitement. “I’ve really come to like John a lot this year, and I’m very eager to see if he’ll buy me a rack of Keystone next time he goes to MGM.”

The biggest cheerleaders of the growing affection are members of Horowitz’s coed section, who Horowitz claims are “big fans of new relationships, upperclassmen, and Windsor [Canadian Whiskey].”

As with many such collegiate relationships, Horowitz is primarily concerned with how to pay Harmen, should he agree to this arrangement. “I would just give him a $20, but I’m seeing that a 24-packs of Keystone Light ranges from $10-15. Do I pay him before, or afterwards? Do I need to tip?” Horowitz continued by complaining that this is the sort of content that should be covered in First Term Seminar courses before continuing his research on Keystone Light price estimates.

When reached for comment about the relationship, Harmen stated he would agree to such an arrangement as long as he didn’t “have to sit in front of coed waiting for him to come outside.”

Those close to the inspiring bromance are eagerly awaiting to see if the connection is soon to be made following Horowitz’s recent text message to Harmen saying, “If only I was 21.”

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