CAMPUS NEWS

Impending Disaster of Final Exams Prompts President Bergman to Close Campus; Declare Emergency State of Christmas

SAINT PETER— Following weeks of widespread anxiety and underpreparedness for the impending disaster of final examinations, President Rebecca Bergman has canceled the remainder of the fall semester and declared an Emergency State of Christmas over the entirety of Gustavus Adolphus College. The president’s executive order mandates that “effective immediately, all outstanding academic work is set to maximum potential credit value, and all scheduled examinations are canceled.” The closure has been described as a desperate, but effective, attempt at top-down response to a looming threat.

In a video message recorded from her official residence, President Bergman cited “widespread panic and fear compounded with a complete lack of meaningful preparations,” as the main impetus for the emergency closure of the college. “It became clear that the only viable course of action was to close the college and request emergency aid to prevent total disaster befalling over 2,400 young adults.” Screen Shot 2014-12-14 at 4.11.51 PM

Following the presidential order, the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) quickly dispatched a task force to the Gustavus campus to distribute emergency Christmas supplies including ugly sweaters, cookies, and 48-hour Netflix trial cards. FEMA operations, under the mission name CLSTRFK Down, also include the tasks of incinerating any and all academic supplies, and promptly relocating students to their homes far away from the site of the projected disaster.

In addition to FEMA’s logistical support, an elite team of 16 heliborne Navy SEALs (DEVGRU, or Team Six) was airdropped onto the roof of Olin Hall to rescue an unknown number of students (codename: PHYSMAJ) imprisoned on the building’s second floor. SEAL Team Six escorted the PHYSMAJ captives out the front door of the building with remarkable speed. The exit velocity of these freed captives was, incredibly, the same as the maximum speed the PHYSMAJ would have experienced had they had simply jumped out the second-story window. This mission, codenamed Torricelli’s Rescue, has been widely praised for its dynamic fluidity.

President Bergman has drawn some criticism for these actions being “too little, too late.” Many students have already been subjected to extraordinary emotional upheaval in the buildup to the cataclysm. Sophomore Sean Joseph has emerged as a leader of such critiques, with his story of personal hardship in the buildup to finals week. Joseph explained, “I wasted minutes of my life thinking about what I might write for my Modern Philosophy paper due Monday afternoon.”

In response to this concern with latent damage due to the mere threat of final examinations, President Bergman has pledged to look into a student demand for a 90% tuition cut, free alcohol in residential halls, and a new academic department of Netflix Studies.

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