With the campus preparing for finals, students are finishing papers, cramming for exams, and managing to keep up their incredibly demanding schedule of alcohol consumption. Luckily, The Fourth Crown has all the tips you need for a successful Finals Week!

• Has the abundance of de-stressing programming gotten too excessive? Get “re-stressed” with an army drill sergeant hosted by the Wellbeing Center! The sergeant will scream, berate, and tell you how badly you’re going to fail your P-Chem final.

• Hyperglycemic shock is definitely a valid excuse to miss a final, so supplement your normal diet with 10 pounds of white cane sugar.

• Asking your professor “What’s going to be on this test?” at the start of your Physics final is a great way to review the course material.

• For an extra morale boost, Jack Ohle will be standing inside of Nobel Hall waiting to slap your back and tell you to “Go get ‘em champ!”

• Chemistry majors who complete four hours of studying in the Library are allowed to punch 2 English majors who don’t have any finals at all.

• Ensure your group project meetings are productive by making all your group members swear a blood oath while in the library.

• For the best chance at getting an “A,” ensure all final papers are typeset in 18 point Comic Sans font.

• Nervous about your Calc 3 final? The tried-and-true good luck ritual of rubbing your nipples with oil while singing “I Can Only Imagine” is sure to guide you to success!