Eden Prairie — After examining the 13 boxes bearing his name under the Christmas tree, the Jacobson family’s youngest member, Dillon, promptly announced his “utter displeasure” with the size of his gifts this year. “This is total crap,” said Dillon. “I know that good things are supposed to come in small packages, but you know what doesn’t come in a small package? A fucking PS4 or a mountain bike.”
Dillon appeared to have fought his hardest to hold back tears during the incident, but his efforts were fruitless as his disappointment led to a full on three hour meltdown that easily carried its way through the family’s dinner and a local church service. During the tantrum Dillon made sure to clue his family in on why he was reacting that way. “It’s hard for me not to get emotional when Sarah got such huge gifts last year. That barbie house was the size of a small horse. I can’t help but feel that your love for me is directly proportional to the size of the gifts I get,” said the flustered six year old.
The family was less than amused with Dillon’s antics. His aunt Karen was particularly vocal after Dillon compared his lack of sizable gifts to her lack of a sizable income and/or husband. Sources say that comment was the root of multiple reprimands from the majority of the Jacobson’s, excluding Karen’s brother-in-law, Doug, who reportedly started laughing and then proceeded to remove himself from the room. “So what if I don’t have a husband or if the Cackle Barn doesn’t pay its waitresses enough? That little shit doesn’t know anything about life’s true treasures… Like traveling to Missouri or… training your cat to sit still while you try and take pictures of him for your blog,” said Karen.
“I couldn’t care less about Karen’s feelings,” said Dillon. “She clearly doesn’t care about me much. All she got me was a homemade card with her cat, Scott, on it. I don’t even like Scott. He is ugly and hisses at me when I try to hug him. The least she could have done was get me a freaking gift card.”
Categories: OFF THE HILL