SAINT PETER— Amidst the gift-giving frenzy of the night before Christmas, Gustavus’ Beck Hall sustained upwards of $120,000 in damages due to 36 mammalian hooves forcibly descending upon its sensitive rooftop solar panels. The alleged perpetrator of the destruction is one Santa Claus, a 191-year-old international fugitive with a slew of charges including federal airspace violation, unethical labor practices, and religious discrimination.

When asked about receiving compensation for damages, Director of Campus Safety Song Biermacher expressed her hope that the parking tickets blanketed on the culprit’s vehicle would be paid within a 48-hour window. Biermacher had no comment on the challenges of Campus Safety’s lack of jurisdiction over Mr. Claus, a non-student, non-state entity capable of circumnavigating the globe in one night.

Mr. Claus had come to Beck Hall’s Department of Communication Studies to deliver the invaluable gift of faculty job security. Following the hefty damage inflicted in the delivery of this present, however, department cuts seem to be a virtual certainty.