LIFE & STYLE

Netflix, Internet Porn Sad to See J-Term End

Silicon Valley — Nearing the end of an especially lucrative January Term for media companies like Netflix and internet porn suppliers, the heads of these businesses announced that they are saddened to see this “golden age of sloth, lust and gluttony” come to an end.

“Yeah, I knew this day would come, but it still hurts to see it go,” said teary-eyed porn mogul Hank Brasser. “We can always count on January to bring us millions of horny, bored college kids, who don’t have much to all day but watch movies, eat junk food… and do some other stuff that is good for our business.”

 Brasser’s fellow porn representative Pamela Hube elaborated on the issue. “January is always our best month. This time of year people are just getting over the holidays – a process that can take over a month – as well as dealing with nature’s icy cold embrace. What better way is there to kick back and relax than just streaming ‘media’? People outside of college are pent up inside as well. So when you combine an immobile populace with our always consistent force of 12 – 25 year-olds we really just hit the motherload.”

 Porn is not the only business that takes a hit after J-Term. Television and movie provider Netflix loses a massive audience after the month. While already being a staple in every college dorm in this decade, streaming from the site only becomes more of a necessity when there is little or nothing keeping kids productive, or out of their dorm rooms.

 “To be honest we don’t even really bother putting anything good out in January. We could put out a three part miniseries about a squirrel running for a senate seat in Georgia and it would get massive numbers,” said Netflix rep Nancy Burch. “People are going to watch Netflix in January no matter what. It’s practically a law of physics at this point. Couple this with the fact that we gave them Friends not too long ago and you might as well shut down campuses across the nation.”

As the students prepare to wander outside of their rooms for the first time in weeks many are cautious of just what could be out there. “I don’t want to go outside. It’s comfy in my room, man,” said college freshman Jake Tyson. “I made this nest of blankets and Domino’s boxes that I just sat in and streamed The West Wing and por… nature documentaries for hours and hours on end. I can’t do that outside.”

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