Following the introduction of a women’s-only “Power Hour” program in the Gustavus weight room, wherein only women can access the facilities for two well-publicized hours per week, a vibrant resistance has sprung up. The new program is projected to temporarily displace as many as one dozen Gusties over the coming months. Criticism has been led largely by the college’s resident Meninists, who form a vibrant community on Yik Yak. Sophomore Sean Joseph, whose qualifications include once raising his hand when a professor asked who in a class identified as feminist, submitted this piece to share his thoughts on the controversy.
I am a proud feminist. Ever since I realized I like girls, I have sought to treat them exactly how I think they want to be treated. I hold open doors, share my booze, and give compliments when the hot ones pass me in the street. But with this new Power Hour program, I have decided feminism has gone too far. So naturally, I’m sharing my opinion. Here are a bunch of things you “feminists” need to know.
- Men have never excluded women from anything ever.
I took a world history course in college, and passed one in high school. There isn’t a single time in history where men have blocked women from doing whatever they want. It’s just coincidence that most of your moms and grandmas decided to stay home in the kitchen, but women like Susan B. Anthony, Becky Bergman, and Bill Clinton’s Wife prove that if you want to, you can do whatever you want. So why turn the tables on men now?
- There’s a room of treadmills for girls already. Separate but equal is a proven system.
The college has a women’s weight room. It’s called the cardio room. Guys and girls have different bodies, so it just makes natural sense. Men are supposed to get big and strong. Women are supposed to get trim and hot. The college handles us equally by giving all of us the opportunity to become what we’re supposed to be.
- Women do not need toned muscles to make sandwiches.
Look, sandwich making is an art. I don’t have the fine-tuned skills that it takes to whip up one of those magnificent puppies. It’s, like, biology. Back in caveman days chicks had to pick berries and what did they use? Their hands, not biceps or quads! Girls can’t just start getting ripped because they won’t be able to use those smaller muscles to make those sandwiches.
- There are plenty of ways to get a guy to leave you alone.
Sure, I guess I can understand that sometimes, some dudes can get pushy in the weight room. But you have so many options to get out of that, if for some reason you’re not into it. The best way is by telling him you have a boyfriend. Then we know you’re already taken, and will respect that.
- It’s a compliment to be checked out.
This one pisses me off more than all the rest. Ladies, if I’m watching you squat, that’s a compliment. I’m telling you that as a straight, awesome guy, your bod is rocking. So instead of getting all anxious and walking out, get flattered and keep working. Not only is a separate women’s workout period keeping me out of my Swole Space, it’s saying that you don’t appreciate my compliments. And I’m sorry, but that’s just bitchy.
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