CAMPUS NEWS

Complex Resident Wins Oscar for “Acting Like Such a Total Bitch”

SAINT PETER— After a series of remarkable and unforgivable offenses, sophomore Brittany Winthrop took home an Academy Award for “Acting Like Such a Total Bitch” to her roommate and nominator Kourtney Lynn Sarrison. Winthrop officially was nominated for the award for her work in Unfollowing me on Tumblr, but her credits far surpass this particular performance. Winthrop has also received critical praise for her work in Eating Too Many of My Almonds, Returning Roommate’s Borrowed Top Unwashed, and Being Number Three on Chad’s Snapchat.

Other nominees for the category of “Acting Like Such a Total Bitch” include Sarrison’s Intro to Psychology Professor Daniel Farlington for his role in Docking Participation Points for Online Shopping During Class; Courtyard Cafe Worker for his performance in Forgetting the Whipped Cream on my Chai Latte; and Sarrison’s Mother for Cutting Me Off on my Debit Account.

Though she was unable to accept her award in person, Kourtney Lynn Sarrison accepted the award on Winthrop’s behalf. “I’m literally so happy for her. I’m amazed at her persistence to get out of the shower and two hour laters look actually pretty good. She works so hard at it.”

Sarrison continued, “I am just so blessed to get to live with someone who can stand to live in a place with so much shit on the floor. It’s like she doesn’t even have a closet!”

Although Winthrop took home this year’s award, analysts project that Sarrison and Winthrop will remain living in close proximity for the 2016 season due to Winthrop’s high priority Room Draw number.

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Categories: CAMPUS NEWS