CAMPUS NEWS

Oblivious C.H.O.I.C.E. Student Confused by Weekend’s Free Pancakes, Sudden Flu Outbreak

SAINT PETER— In the aftermath of one of Gustavus’ finest traditions, first year C.H.O.I.C.E student Jonathan Adams remains concerned about the number of his fellow students suddenly afflicted with the stomach flu. Adams suspects a correlation between this and the availability of pancakes across campus throughout the day on Saturday.

“Normally I am up by 8:30 on Saturdays to get a good start on my studies, but I was up so late on Friday with my Three Crowns Curriculum pals playing Settlers of Catan: Cities and Knights that I slept in until 10:30. When I got to the bathroom to brush and floss, there were three people throwing up in the stalls,” Adams said.

Though Adams was concerned by the early outbreak of illness, he remained determined to collect his share of the free pancakes he saw advertised in the laundry room the night before. “I was surprised to see so many of my peers out and about despite the early hour. It made me proud to share in this brunch experience with my chipper residential community.”

As the holiday progressed, however, Adams grew concerned with the increasing number of visibly sick and disoriented students about campus. “When I went to Alumni Hall to enjoy a quick nine holes of complimentary mini golf, I was shocked to see the lack of physical and verbal coordination being practiced by my peers. While I admit mini golf is a strenuous sport, in most cases, it certainly shouldn’t lead to falling over and dry-heaving with exhaustion.”

After attending his fifth and final free pancake event (a balloon art performance during Saturday Night in Lund), Adams began to suspect the tie between pancake and pandemic, noticing “all of the most enthusiastic eaters seemed to be the most stricken with the flu’s symptoms.”

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