SAINT PETER- On the cusp of Gustavus Adolphus College’s annual President’s Ball, new president Rebecca Bergman is requesting to replace the event’s original title to the new and improved “President’s Rave.” Sources say the alternative name is an attempt by President Bergman to better connect with the student body.
“I really desire to have a closer relationship with the kids, and I think this is a great way to do it. This gives me the perfect chance to help everyone understand that I am not just their president, I’m like their cool older sister/best girlfriend,” said Bergman, who has been seen wearing apparel from popular EDM (electronic dance music) artists such as Daft Punk, Zedd, and Skrillex.
With the new title, comes a new theme for the celebration as well. Working titles such as “Rebecca’s Bonzanza” and “Bergman’s Bangerz” have been suggested, but nothing is confirmed as of yet. What is confirmed is a $15,000 budget for purchases related to “neon illuminator devices.”
Some students are making allegations that this is a feeble attempt to make up for the lackluster Dives that have seen such low-attendance this school year, but President Bergman denies any correlation between the two. “Dives are completely irrelevant to me, since I hear they’re lame. I simply want to throw a rager to celebrate how splendid all of my tuition-paying peers are and to show them I can bump and jive alongside them.”
No official decision has been made on the subject, but President Bergman wished to leave everyone with one final note of, “Please, call me Becky.”
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