OFF THE HILL

America Finally Ready to Discuss Issues of Color

DRESS

NORTH AMERICA— After a 238-year history of exclusion from public discourse, issues of color have erupted in the United States over the course of several hours. The passions of the 318,000,000 citizen nation have finally boiled over to a vigorous and controversial debate primarily facilitated via social media and content sharing sites such as Tumblr and Reddit.

Color has been a major source of contention for the nation since its colonial era, says Gustavus Adolphus College Professor of History Daniel Ubermeier. “Early mass European settlement revolved around the ideal that only white men were to be right-holding citizens in this region. This group, their followers, and their ancestors began a process of oppressing millions of people of any ethnic or racial makeup perceived, at that moment, to be non-white.”

Concluding his analysis of Colonial America, Ubermeier summarizes the issues of color in modern America. “After decades of mounting tension around the idea of enslaving a constructed class of human beings, a bloody civil war which wrestled with this issue, and a century of continued persecution of non-white races, the nation deliberately decided to simply not talk about matters of race and color.”  However, this debate revolves strictly around the perceived color combination of a dress, a fact which Ubermeier described by saying, “Yeah, that sounds pretty America.”

The academic context of color’s role in American history has not carried through into more popular media. “Blu & black. can’t even handle ppl who say otherwise.” read one comment on Tumblr. This sentiment stands at sharp odds with many socially conservative commentators on the issue, such as Missouri senator Randy Eggers.

Eggers’ official website has announced his state’s whole hearted support on this “crucial issue of color and national unity.” His office recently released a statement in which the senator emphasized “the overwhelming importance of making sure everyone in this great, Christian nation knows that this beautiful garment is pearl white and olympic gold; God’s chosen colors. If anybody is trying to wage another culture war says different, then they can go to a TJ Maxx and look for their hippie selves.”  When asked if the senator had any more comments on issues of color in his state, Eggers simply looked at the reporters with a confused expression.

“This is literally the most important question about color to ever come up in our lives,” said 19 year old Pat Lee in an attempt to open a discussion in his 100-level Racial Analysis class at Gustavus Adolphus. “If we can’t even describe the color of a dress, how will we ever even hope to describe the clothes that match it?”

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