SAINT PETER— In order to determine the pair most fit to run Gustavus’ student body, the annual Student Senate Co-Presidential Race will be held in Lund’s first floor forum in a series of events throughout the day. This most sacred of traditions consists of several strenuous tasks designed to challenge the mind and body of those gunning for the position of Co-President. The competition will kick off, as in years past, with the candidates hopping around the four lane 200 meter track with their legs inside of large potato sacks.
“The process is foolproof,” totes Dean of Students and Senate Advisor JoNes VanHecke. “When determining who is responsible for allocating over $150,000 to campus organizations and speaking on behalf of all 2,400 students, it is imperative we have a team with integrity and tact. That is exactly why we make them balance an egg on a spoon during their last lap.”
While efficient and effective, running for office has proven difficult for many contestants. To compete in this grueling multi-stage match, one candidate, who requested anonymity to protect the secrecy of their sophisticated and innovative campaign strategies, has been training for years. “It’s hard work. My sides are bruised beyond belief,” said the candidate in reference to the internal bleeding caused by their preparation for the hula hoop relay. In spite of this severe hemorrhaging, the candidate remain optimistic. “My doctor says I’ve got about a year, which is just enough time to carry out the term!”
In a joint press conference given Tuesday night, one candidate pair reported they are “ready for the race, but think it should be more transparent.” Another pair claimed, “transparency around this race needs to be improved, but other than that, we are ready.” This differs sharply from the youngest ticket up for election today, who inquired “yes, it’s a race, and we’re ready for it, but what about transparency?” The most experienced candidate pair effectively rebutted this comment by responding, “yes, you are ready, and yes, we are ready. But have we talked about transparency? Because we know how to get transparency done.”
As prescribed by Student Senate’s strict and heavily-enforced Bylaws, the race will conclude after the water balloon toss, deciding which two individuals will be crowned as our new Student Senate Co-Presidents.
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS