CAMPUS NEWS

Gustavus Love Confession Voters Propel Panzer to Co-Presidency

SAINT PETER — Student Senate recently announced that juniors Sam Panzer and Bobby Rasmussen will be representing the student body as Co-Presidents during the 2015/2016 school year. The duo emerged victorious after a hard fought campaign in one of the closest student elections to date. Analysts have determined that heavy support from the Gustavus Love Confessions Facebook page was the major catalyst for the pair’s victory.

Analysts suggest that Love Confessions’ vast popularity led to an increase in name recognition of Rasmussen and, in particular, Panzer. “I don’t know who the fuck Sam Panther is, but if the ladies love Sammy-P, then you know I’m voting for him,” said sophomore Kyle Hastings.

“This is a big win for passably attractive men in politics. We are proud that an individual we have backed since our inauguration has finally achieved a position of public prominence and recognition, outside of our own esteemed Facebook posts,” said a GAC Love Confession Manager. “Hopefully Panzer and Bobby will recognize that this is perhaps the second highest honor on campus, again outside of being featured on our highly regarded Facebook posts.”

 Skeptics are critical of the support Panzer and Rasmussen received from the hugely popular Facebook group, as it may indicate a secret agenda. “If this is just a ploy for Panzer to get more confessions than he already does, I am going to unfollow that stupid page,” said junior Jessica DuPree.

Meanwhile, Rasmussen and Panzer’s supporters have remained adamant that their win wasn’t based on the relative symmetry of Panzer’s face. “It’s not about looks. Yeah, Bobby rocks the suit, but they’re both dedicated to the job and the responsibilities,” said first-year Becca Pauly.

While it is early in the process, projections for which student Love Confessions will back next year are already taking place. “We don’t want to name names, but if you pay close attention, we’ll probably post about them four or five hundred times,” said a Love Confessions representative.

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