College Announces Plans for Separate Women’s Exercise Facility

SAINT PETER— Following a growth in tension between campus men and women over usage of the weight room, the college has announced plans for the construction of a new athletic facility identical in quality to Lund Center to exclusively serve the needs of female students.

Thurgood Billings Lawrence, facilitator for administrative deliberations on the issue, stated that the construction of a new facility was deemed the most logical option to easing the heated tension between the men and women on campus. “By replacing Anderson Hall with a gym for women we’ll kill two birds with one stone. We finally have a purpose for that building and, besides, discussions about equality would have taken forever. It’s just easier this way. Plus we’ll get rid of all the Barn Swallows nesting in that building! So really it’s like killing about two hundred birds.”

Junior complex resident Amanda Plessey escalated this concern by organizing a sit-in with women on her floor after receiving unwanted stares from a group of men during a workout.

“I would just really like to get my squat on without being stared at,” Plessey stated, “but here come all these guys gawking at me. Clearly women can’t work out in the weight room without being sexual objects.”

Sophomore weightlifting enthusiast Tyler Ferguson had his own version of events. “I’m not sure what that girl is talking about. She was getting stared at because she was grunting like a walrus with every rep.” Ferguson continued, “hell of an ass though.”

Sources have reported that the two engaged in a very heated argument when Ferguson was blocked from doing both bench and curls by women on the equipment. The argument got intense enough that Yik Yak was riddled with #PlessyvFerguson as bystanders spread word.

“Clearly men and women are uncomfortable with one another’s presence,” stated Lawrence. “Rather than discussing these workout equity issues and reaching an agreement, the college has decided the best option is a separate facility. We threw some dumbbells inside and there should still be quite a few desks and such that are pretty heavy. Now it’s always women’s power hour!”

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