CAMPUS NEWS

Man Tasked With Remembering Which of His Girlfriend’s Sorority Sisters She Secretly Hates

While attending a Gamma Kappa social this weekend, junior Alan Lindeman faced an excruciating task in recalling which sorority sisters his girlfriend, junior Kate Schumer, secretly could not stand. Lindeman appeared confident at the beginning of the evening, but as the event unfolded the junior clearly became increasingly lost in intricacies of his girlfriend’s opinions of her friends.

“Things went well in the first half of the party,” said Lindeman. “I made some really strong decisions by not standing by Rachel during flippy cup and by not letting Allison text me a picture of her baby cousin.”

Other boyfriends in attendance were complimentary of Lindeman’s performance early in the night. “The dude came out of the gate with some great plays. He really showed his potential by not even looking at Allisons phone when she was trying to get his attention. If only he could have kept up that performance for the entire night,” said senior Jack Perry.

Critics say that Lindeman’s first hiccup came when he picked up Tia’s bag for her when she dropped it. This could easily have been overlooked as a minor mistake, but Tia definitely wasn’t complimentary of Kate’s new shoes earlier this week, and sources suggest that it is well known that Kate had recently talked to Brian about the incident.

While the Tia interaction was a misstep, the real crime Lindeman committed in the evening was not even bothering to talk to Nicole. “Nicole is pretty much my best friend,” said Kate. “I can’t believe that Alan would just completely ignore someone so important to me. Would he ignore Beyonce if she showed up? It’s pretty much the same offense in my eyes. Nicole is such a sweetheart.”

“Wait she likes Nicole?” asked a visibly regretful Lindeman. “I thought she hated her and liked Nikki.”

“He spent way too much time being nice to Nikki,” said Kate. “Nikki is okay, but she is no Nicole. Not even close.”

Other boyfriends and analysts agree that if Lindeman wants to be taken seriously and remain in the GK picture, he will really need to perform stronger in the upcoming weekends. “That Nikki and Nicole confusion is amateur stuff. Alan has been around for almost four months, he should have had that distinction down around week three. If he expects to make it to Formal next year then he really needs to go above and beyond these next few weeks. Otherwise, don’t be surprised if Kate digs into her sophomore reserves for next semester,” said senior Gamma analyst Tyler Carter.

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