CAMPUS NEWS

Physics Student Inspires Others With Plurality of 0 Girlfriends

SAINT PETER, MN— Following the arrival of warm weather, many college students are looking forward to spring, a popular time of year for romantic activity. Coming from a demographic traditionally immune to this annual trend, Physics Major Josh Loreints has theorized a new point of view to improve his quality of life as his quality of love continues to decline.

Loreints was last overheard in the Physics Laboratory boasting about how he has “totally had a number of girlfriends.” When asked for further detail, Josh launched into a detailed lecture, stating that “by definition, zero is indeed a plural number. I have had zero girlfriends. Not girlfriend, girlfriends. That means that I have had multiple girlfriends,” Loreints boasted.

Physics professor Dr. Colm Fortwith verified Loreints’s claims, “Well…I mean technically speaking, yes, 0 is plural,” he responded, “But it still literally means nothing. He knows that, right? He doesn’t have anything.” Adding to the conversation was director of the Physics Department, Dr. Rod Angstrom, “We really don’t understand what he is so proud of…the plurality of 0 is neither a new thing nor a fact he should boast about.”

However, Loreints stands in strong opposition to Angstrom, “Seriously, this is a light shed on the entire Physics community…I will probably be as famous as Planck,” Loreints boasted happily to his PHY-311 class. Many of the Physics Majors found inside Olin Hall are rallying behind Loreints and his statement, “It’s more groundbreaking than Einstein’s Theory of Special Relativity,” Sophomore Chris Gowss exclaimed, “because the rest of us have found solace in our world consumed!”

First year Psychology Major Stephanie Morris is not as confident in Loreints’s statement, “In all likelihood, Josh has fallen onto a defense mechanism after years of abuse in his chosen major.”

With Spring around the corner, it remains to see whether or not Loreints and his strong following of Physics Majors will emerge victorious in their pride having 0 girlfriends and boyfriends, or if they will fully comprehend the concept being the 0.

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