SAINT PETER, MN–With the recent disappearance of Russian President of State Vladamir Putin, citizens across the United States are concerned that the former KGB Specialist may be infiltrating the democratic lifestyle they love and cherish. The College Republicans of GAC have gone as far as to sponsor the Eagle Cam; bringing the beloved live footage of a Bald Eagle to the caf in an attempt to reinvigorate patriotism in the student population.
College Republican president Rudy Haze described the importance of the Eagle Cam, “Without the Eagle Cam, campus-wide Patriotism has a good chance of dropping below acceptable levels. Therefore, we College Republicans decided it would be well worth the investment to bring the Eagle Cam back this year. It is our belief that the majestic bald eagle will encourage our peers to keep their eyes open for any intruders; namely that of a certain ex-KGB specialist….”
Director of Campus Safety Song Biermacher assures the students that the campus is free of Vladimir Putin, “Campus Safety is taking the threat of a potential intruder very seriously, and as such we have doubled our usual amount of student patrols. Furthermore, I believe that Eagle Cam will have a polarizing effect on any Communists; they can’t stand to see a form of pure freedom that the Eagle Cam represents.”
However, Sophomore Republican George Stefans has his own stance on the Eagle Cam, “It has pretty much nothing to do with the whole anti-communist thing. This is all about how to be an American. Have you seen the way that beautiful bird lives its life? It hunts its food, brings back the carrion, and feeds it to its children. Similarly, we Americans have to act the same way. We hunt down the enemies of the state, bring back their lifeless bodies, and feed our children the truth: America is the best country in the world. If anything, it will certainly degrade Putin if he decides to show up, and send him back to Russia with his tail between his legs.”
Second Semester Exchange Student Pladimir Vutin had this to say about the Eagle Cam, “My Republican comrades sure do know how to keep Borscht-eaters out of America! Eagle Cam is best way to discover Russian invaders! No way is there chance of Vladimir Putin to sneak on to campus. Thank you College Republican!”
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS