OFF THE HILL

PCB Suffers Worst Invasion Since First European Contact

PANAMA CITY BEACH, FLORIDA— With the arrival of several thousand able-bodied persons of predominantly European descent, the coast of Panama City Beach, Florida (PCB) is suffering from an invasion on a scale unseen since the 16th century.

The historical community has been quick to note the proliferation of “slayings” in the current PCB invasion, with many (often male) intruders in the delicate coastal habitat explicitly expressing their excitement to “slay” while in the area.  While the definition of “slayings” has shifted in a more sexual direction over the past 500 years, the scale is enough to draw comparisons from local populations as well as academics, such as Florida historian Marco Turbino.

“The indigenous population of PCB is suffering from the introduction of foreign diseases often related to the act of ‘slaying,’ such as herpes, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and syphilis” Turbino stated. “These are largely incomparable to the deliberate atrocity of infection inflicted by European colonizers through the spread of diseases such as influenza. These diseases have little effect on the PCB invaders doing the bulk of the slaying, who came to the area already carrying most or all of these infections.”

PCB invader John Easton, whose ancestors began a legacy of wealth through action against the indigenous populations of the Florida peninsula, has proven an archetypal modern invader. While not using the horrendous violence employed by the treasure-seeking European colonialists of the 16th century, Easton has made his mark in destroying the local habitat and culture while documenting his activity on a variety of social media platforms.  Easton’s modern weaponry consists primarily of Keystone Light cans and Grizzly Chewing Tobacco tins; his armor consists of a neon snapback hat embroidered with the phrase “SWAG” and a tank top reading “USA: Back-to-Back World War Champs.”

In addition to a major decline in the number of violent assaults, pointy metal helmets, and Catholic clergy, the current invasion of the Florida coast differs from its historical antecedent in the direction of monetary flow. Though local populations are receiving millions of dollars through drink purchases and legal citations, the funding they receive will largely disappear in attempts to recover from the current invasion and survive until next year’s inevitable reappearance of occupying forces.

Advertisements

Categories: OFF THE HILL