Dear Carl and Sylvia,

I’m a nervous wreck. Room-draw is coming up and I have no idea who I should live with! As a first-year, I have no experience with this kind of stuff. What advice do you have for me?

Ah, yes. ‘Tis the season for dorm-related drama. But fret not, friend. Follow these three simple steps and you’ll find the roommate of your dreams!

1. Interrogate the Candidates.

Remember that questionnaire you filled out before school? The one that was used to match you with your current roommate? Remember? Do you? THAT SHEET IS GOD.

Years of res-life research have gone into that divine document and its results are not something to be taken lightly. In regards to whom you’ll be shacking up with next year, the knowledge gained from this survey is vital. The importance of providing contrived answers to stupid enquiries cannot be overstated.

To get you started, here are a few questions from the Gustavus Housing Preferences form that you can ask those willing to live with you:

• Are you an early bird, night owl, or midday mocking jay?
• On a scale of 1-10, to what type of music do you regularly listen?
• When will you come to terms with the fact that you’ll never be a doctor?
• During first-year orientation, what was the ratio of time you spent meeting new peers to time spent walking around aimlessly outside while crying to your parents on the phone?
• If you could be any member of the Brady Bunch, would you be Kourtney, Khloe, Dr. Huxtable, or Tiger the Dog?
•  How likely are you to perish in the Aeginetan Theater by drowning in the shirts, cloaks, and hats your admirers throw at you in veneration?
• What is your favorite board game, and why is it CandyLand?
• Did you sail across the sun?
• Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded and that heaven is overrated?

From their responses, you will be able to decide which of them is your true room/soul –mate!

2. Creatively Propose to your Potential Co-tenant.

Now that you’ve found the one, you must ask for their hand in roomateship! If the person you’re after has more traditional parents, consider asking first for their father’s permission.

Otherwise, just make sure to propose in a manner that’s both public and extravagant to apply optimum pressure on the potential roomie, like how I asked Ryan via aerial message.

My freshman year I wanted to room with this guy named Ryan. Ryan had a tattoo of a cinderblock and went to the same middle school as the kids did in Zoey 101 so he was pretty cool. To ask him, I paid a local airman to fly his Cessna 172 Skyhawk over campus dragging a large banner that read “Ryan: you’re the Wright roommate for me!”. The plan was working perfectly until I bet the pilot 20 bucks he couldn’t do a barrel roll. The spin dislodged the plane’s horizontal stabilizer which sent it violently spiraling down. The police presumed the crash was due to mechanical error. At the flyer’s funeral, I told his family that I had a gift for them in my car and to wait for me outside the church. I drove away and haven’t thought of them since.

3. Play Small Pranks Until the Room is Your Own.

Once you’ve both begun to settle into the routine of the new year, you’ll quickly reach a comfort and trust level from which you can unravel every fiber of your new roommate’s identity!

It’s important to begin gently. Start by adding a half teaspoon of vinegar to their shampoo. Later on, loosen all of the bolts on their bedloft. Read ominous verses from the Book of Revelation under your breath every morning when they arise. On Saturdays, spend way too much time around the room in a towel. Etch a pentagram onto the floor of your dorm. Eat Sunchips when your roommate is trying to sleep. While your roommate is at class, spill your own blood onto the surface of the pentagram while incanting, “ATTENROBENDUM EOS AD CONSIENDRUM, AD LIQGANDUM EOS, POLITER ET SOLVENDUM, ET AD, CONGREGONTUM EOS, CORAM ME, PERCUTIAT [roommate name].”

Eventually, your roommate will seek out a new residence due to the cumulative effects of these small irritances, or be arrested for biting the face off of a Catholic priest. A classic win-win situation!

Keep these three tips in mind and you’re sure to have the best sophomore year you could ever imagine! Alternatively, you will live with 100 of your peers in Sohre, thereby marking the absolute end of all things and the utter destruction of your college years.

Yours,

C&S