CAMPUS NEWS

Junior Students on Off Campus Waiting List Aggressively Recruit Prospective Students

SAINT PETER— During today’s “Experience Gustavus” Admission event, Junior students on the Off Campus Housing Waiting List were seen aggressively boasting the benefits of attending Gustavus Adolphus College to countless high school students and their parents.  This Admission assistance is an attempt by Junior students to fill all campus residential halls and enable them to be offered off campus status.

Junior Alec Crawford was seen outside of Christ Chapel flagging down prospective students to point out the college’s sweeping views of the Minnesota River Valley, navigable campus, and many original sculptures by the world-renowned Paul Granlund.

While many of the statements accurately described the college, such as its 11:1 faculty-to-student ratio, some selling points were of questionable veracity.

“Gustavus is like the Ivy League of the Midwest. It’s considered a Harvard pipeline if you’re doing med school or pre-law. You might as well enroll now.” Crawford told to an impressionable family of four.

“We have even bigger plans for the future,” he continued, “Lund Center and Nobel Hall will be renovated by the start of next year. We’ve been called the Jewel Of The MIAC, so we strive to uphold that reputation.”

Continued Crawford, “I dunno, man, they should check their records. I was almost positive that 3 former U.S. presidents were alumni. I thought JFK ran track here. Either way, I don’t think I did anything wrong.”

However, Dean of Admissions Rob Newhart stated that some of the claims of these Junior students were “false to the point of fantasy.” The list of claims about the school included factoids such as our #1 rankings in all D3 athletics, a 100% job rate post-graduation, and air conditioning in all dorms.

Newhart continued, “Admission was, however, quite impressed with these students’ ability to spin college facts in an innovative light. For instance, describing the Gus Bus as ‘a private limousine accessible to all students who sign their housing agreements by May 1’ was downright genius, and will soon be featured on recruitment materials for the Class of 2020.”

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Categories: CAMPUS NEWS