SAINT PETER—In efforts to further improve the college’s impressive hockey program, the Gustavus Athletic Department has hired three full-time hair stylists to attend to the team’s widely-acclaimed “flow.”
Despite the estimated $160,000 price tag of the hair maintenance program, the Athletic Department insists that the team’s hair reputation does not come without time and resources. In a Department statement issued Wednesday afternoon, Athletic Director Tim Black explained, “Our squad’s success demands flow state-of-the-art facilities and support staff. First and foremost, team flow must be maintained at a precise length to prep the team for top-tier play. These stylists are every bit as important as the team’s coaches, locker room, and hookups.”
26-year-old sophomore hockey player Jake Klamenek has been a major supporter of the new hair landscaping program. “You can’t grow a good head of lettuce without a little TLC. This is gonna be a clutch move in showing all the hosers out there that GAC Hockey knows how to sling the puck and the pomade.” Klamenek continued, “You know the flo is a go when you’re scooping dangles and dekes more than a Johnnie can chirp at ya. Last time I got my salad fluffed in the middle of a series, I pulled a one-time slapper right into the upper deck. I lit the lamp so quick you’d think you’re a kid who’d just swallowed his dad’s dipper.”
The stylists have set up a convenient station in each of the handicapped stalls of the Beck Hall bathrooms and are available for touchups, trimmings, and teasings before between, during, and after classes. With this new contract, the 35 athletes are guaranteed flawless hair 24/7, a fact which AD Black believes “will assist greatly in drawing top talent to GAC and helping maintain the college’s sterling reputation as a hockey haven.”
So far, the addition of stylists has received broad support among campus, especially from first-year and sophomore girls.