Friends at Shitty Schools Already on Summer Break

SAINT PETER—As Gusties face the last two weeks of class with a general mix of boredom, stress and anticipation, friends from shittier schools are currently celebrating the beginning of their own summer break, leading to extreme cases of jealousy on the hill.

Evident by the large increase in Instagram pictures and DUIs, most friends on social media have taken to the first few weeks of summer with unabashed joy. “After a year of fraternity parties, 400-student lectures and rising rates of STDs, university students are rewarded with two more weeks of summer?” asked first year Joey Nelson. “That’s ridiculous. I have to listen to all this Yik-Yak crap. I deserve those two weeks. God, I should have went to that community college in Iowa.”

Extreme regret and anguish in deciding to attend an elite, selective, and rigorous private college has filled the campus and talk of transferring is high as ever. Junior Michael Kraft comments, “All these Facebook posts make me want to drop out of GAC and take my talents somewhere they won’t be appreciated.”

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